Thursday, August 30, 2007

Epiphany

So I had an epiphany. I realized that I really, really love beauty products. I love bath and body products. I love perfumes. I was on a sight yesterday called Patchouli Garden that sells all things Patchouli (I've recently gotten into the scent of patchouli). It's a cool sight in that it sells things that they make themselves AND things that they re-sell-like insence and real Indian perfume oil for around $10 or less. Very nice!

My problem is that while I realize that materialism is something detestable in my parents, it is something that is trying to overtake me. But I won't let it. No sir. I really want to continue my lifelong search for enlightenment. I feel like all the clutter and all the possessions don't allow me to be the me that I want to be. Clutter in the home, is clutter in the soul, I think. It's just so much. So much clothes that I don't wear, so many how to books that I don't use, and so many things. So many. Of course, my vintage book and record collection will stay in tact. But I really want to strip down with all the things I have. I want to display the simple person I feel myself to be on the inside. So today, while my daughter naps, I will be trying to get rid of some books, and clothing that I don't need.

I want my home to reflect who I am, and I don't feel that clutter represents that. I feel like I'm an almost enlightened soul, with a lot of learning left to do. But still I feel like I found peace, and I don't feel like I have to fill myself with possessions in order to feel fulfilled. Instead of material things, I want to fill myself by being a better wife, mother and lover to my husband and daughter. I want to feel fulfilled by having a house full of love instead of a house full of crap.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

My Goddess Box

So I made my Goddess Box. I filled with all sorts of prayers and things that I lifted up to the Goddess-may she answer them, and hear my heart's desire. I also worked on a meditation exersize to open your chakras, and get you centered. Just focusing on your centers, and listening to some relaxing music is nice. I do this before I do my yoga, which-YES, I did today.

I'm pretty proud of myself. I have to write a college essay for my application to school. I plan on attending in January, with the Goddess' help. I'm taking full time online classes. It's a lot, I know. But I have to. Or else, I'll never be finished!

I'm also taking priestess training. I'm really excited about that. I love to study and learn, so this is a great opportunity for me. Plus when I'm done, I'll have a snazzy new title that sounds cool. LOL

My darling daughter has continued her fascination with her mobile. She talks to them. I'm convinced that there are some faires around, that are entertaining her. Of course, everything's amusing to a 3 month old.

Monday, August 20, 2007

This time I mean it...

So I’ve decided to really turn off my mind and my emotions and just do it, dammit. Yoga and meditation and tai chi every day. It makes me feel good, and tunes me in to my intuition. Intuition is great. Because of it, we can know what to do. If we tune ourselves to our intuition, healing begins, and we can trust ourselves. We can know what to do in every situation.

Of course, the key to learn the Buddhist art of silence. Truly. But what an impossible feat! It is nearly impossible to shut your mind out from the rest of the world. A good thing to do, is to try channels-mantras. Try tuning into a mantra that works for you.

I’ve been reading up on Kundalini Yoga, and that has been teaching me a few things. Mainly, the aforementioned. I normally do yoga based on the book-Kripalu Yoga. Awesome book.

I love it because it gives you the whole spiritual side of Yoga. That’s why I got it. It’s cool, because the moves are easy, and there are more poses in the back. It talks a little about chakras, and energy centers…

On another subject, I actually think I had a weekend without arguing with my hubby! It seems all we needed was some time to be with each other. We went to Prospect park, since the weather was so nice on Saturday, and had a picnic-and no in laws! It was great! I mean, I love my in laws, but I need some time to myself with my man you know?

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Just call me an addict....

Honestly, I really am.

I’m so addicted to Amazon. Amazon allows you to have a wish list, in case you’re just browsing, and happen to see something you like, but can’t purchase at the moment. So actually, I have about…3. I have a wish list just for tarot cards, a cookbook list, a baby book list, and a everything else list. Wait…that’s four lists not three.

Oh well. I love it. And the stuff is so cheap there, that really. Who can beat paying $2 for book? I mean, they are used, but they’re not beat up, that’s for sure.

Speaking of tarot cards, I’ve been studying them again. Trying to learn them, so I can use them for myself and for others. I memorized the major arcana, no I have to study the minor ones, and learn them.

I’ve got a knitting group to go to tonight. Lately I’ve been feeling so lonely. Honestly, my phone doesn’t ring unless it’s the wrong number. It makes me feel so isolated from the world. For such a long time, I was so dependant on my husband. But see, he’s got his music. Well, he always has, but now he really is making it a reality. So sometimes I’m here alone. I can’t stand being in this apartment by myself. I can’t. It’s so depressing. I need to find something outside of just him and I.

What I wish is that I could meet some other pagans out there like myself. Not the freakish purple shirt overweight glazed look in there eye pagans that are out there. Someone who doesn’t look “pagan” on the outside.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Television....

Why do people think that they have to rub in your face, the fact that they think they are better than you? I mean, I’m having a conversation with someone I know, and illustrating a point, using a television show, to which she says, “ Oh I don’t know we don’t watch television”. I felt like saying, oh well excuse me for a living.

I mean, I’m as crunchy as the next person. But really. One thing I love about being married, is curling up in front of the tv and watching a nice movie, or laughing at the trash that is reality tv. It’s nice you know? We make a nice meal, bring the baby to the bed with us, and watch tv.

But why do people have to act like there’s a contest on who’s the most crunchy? Ugh. I tell her that my 3 month old girl still doesn’t have a stroller, and she says, oh well I didn’t use one until my baby was a year old. Yeah right. That’s why she was telling me stories about being annoyed at nosy people on the subway. Hmm.

But that is a point. Why do people feel like they have to tell me what is wrong with my baby? Dude, mind your own fucking business. And please don’t try to touch my daughter. You’re not my family, so back the fuck up.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

This time I mean it...

Seriously. I'm going to keep my promise to myself and do yoga every day. I have to. I mean, honestly, I think it really does keep me centered throughout the day, and keeps me from going crazy. Post partum depression blows big time. I don’t know, I guess…everyone has their battle. Mine is and has always been depression. But I’m getting through it. And Yoga helps. Meditation helps. Going out to meet other moms also helps.

Meanwhile my mother is going insane again.

I’m going to the Met today to look at some art. Let’s see if I get to take any pictures.

I’ve been trying to get into photography a little bit.

Also, today I’m actually wearing a skirt. Woo hoo! And it’s above the knee. Wow. What’s next? Heels?

Friday, August 3, 2007

Central Park

Went to a mom's group yesterday. It was my first time. Of course, I am quite happy I went. It's nice to meet other mom's who are just as happy when their babies go to sleep.
Also, I find that I have to force myself out of the house. It's hard to deal with all the stress of being a mother, being home, and not having alot of money, and then to top it all off, my husband coming home and complaining that he doesn't have time to work on his music because he's working all day. I mean, what fault is it of mine? I have plenty of creative things I could be working on right now as well.
The baby's sleeping at the moment. Hubby has a recording session tonite. Maybe I'll go into Manhattan and visit my mother in law at work today. We'll see.
The main problem is that no one told me how stressful motherhood would be. To be honest, it's not the baby that causes all the stress; mostly it's my husband. I just wish I could move him to Alaska sometimes. I get so stressed out sometimes. He doesn't make me feel calm about things. He comes home, and bitches about stuff that I have done yoga to relax about. Then I get tense and stressed out, and I worry about things.
Add that with the fact that I'm a little anti social, and it's a recipe for disaster.
I know what'll make me feel better. I'll take a shower with my scented Dove cream oil body wash (which I love love love), and put on my lavender cream, and maybe go out somewhere. I mean, it's not like he's going to be home. I could eat out or something. I'll call my sister in law.